PDA

View Full Version : Grim приказки



StringTheoryPracticist
09-12-2014, 17:28
(източник: Kingdom of Loathing (http://www.kingdomofloathing.com/))
Once upon a time a girl lived on the edge of a deep, dark forest. None knew her name, but they knew her by a particular piece of bright red clothing she always wore. In fact, they called her Little Red Riding Crop Top.
One day, Little Red Riding Crop Top set out to visit her dear sweet grandmother, Brimstonia, who lived on the other side of the forest. She packed a basket full of watermelon jam, roasted rashers of bacon, and poached monkey larynx, and set out, tra-la-la, skip-skip-skip on the path through the forest.

Little did she know that the Big Bad Sloth was lurking in the forest, looking for his next meal. He craftily sidled up to Little Red Riding Crop Top and asked where she was going.

"Oh, to my dear sweet grandmother, Brimstonia," she said, guilelessly. "It'll take me about a half hour to get there, because I'm going to pick some flowers along the way. Here are the GPS coordinates to her humble cottage."

And so the Big Bad Sloth snuck away, faster than Little Red Riding Crop Top could go, and reached the cottage first. There he found the old grandmother sleeping in her bed, and he ripped her to pieces and devoured her on the spot. Then, creepily enough, he put on her clothes and got into her bed.

Little Red Riding Crop Top came to the cottage and walked in the door. It was dim in the cottage, and Little Red Riding Crop Top was also dim, and so she was fooled by the Big Bad Sloth's disguise.

"Come lie in bed with me, dearie," the Big Bad Sloth wheedled.

"What shall I do with my pince-nez?" the girl asked.

"Throw it in the fire; you won't need it."

"But what shall I do with my bolo tie?" the girl asked.

"Throw it in the fire; you won't need it," the Big Bad Sloth replied.

And so it went, until Little Red Riding Crop Top was down to just her Red Crop Top.

"What about my precious Red Crop Top?" she asked.

"Oh, leave that on, whatever, just hop in," the hungry Sloth replied.

So Little Red Riding Crop Top jumped into bed, and a little bird outside the window called, "SLUT! Watch in whose bed you climb!"

But Little Red Riding Crop Top paid no attention to the bird's slut-shaming, and so the Big Bad Sloth tore her limb from limb and ate her, too.

But a passing lumberjack heard the crushing, the screaming, and the gnawing of bone, and in he came, too late to do any real good, but he slaughtered the Big Bad Sloth, making sure his death was slow and painful. So at least there's that.

THE END

StringTheoryPracticist
09-12-2014, 17:32
Once upon a time there was a beautiful girl named Mackenzie who lived in a cottage with her evil stepmother and two ugly stepsisters, Batilda and Buttfaceia. Mackenzie was basically made to live like a slave; every morning before breakfast she had to wash mom's cuticles, and more often than not her breakfast was lukewarm sponge cake.
One day, the Prince declared that there would be a grand ball at the royal palace, where he would choose his future queen. Mackenzie begged her evil stepmother to let her go to the ball, but the stepmother refused, and left Mackenzie to sit alone in the ashes of the fireplace. I mean, I guess she could have sat wherever she wanted after everyone had gone to the ball, but old habits die hard.

Fortunately, Mackenzie's Fairy Godmother intervened. She gave Mackenzie a beautiful dress to wear, turned a watermelon into a coach and some bats into horses, and gave her a stunning glass camisole to wear.

Mackenzie went to the ball, spent the whole night doing the Frug with the Prince, but the magic began to run out when the clock struck midnight. She ran from the palace, dropping her glass camisole in her haste.

The next day, the Prince searched the whole kingdom to find the girl who fit the glass camisole. Mackenzie's stepmother tried to hide Mackenzie when the Prince came, but a little bird told him where she was hiding, and the glass camisole fit perfectly.

The Prince married Mackenzie and they lived happily ever after. But Mackenzie's stepsisters were poked with red-hot pokers, then forced to be her servants for the rest of their lives.

Oh, and the evil stepmother was fed to a hungry robin.

StringTheoryPracticist
09-12-2014, 17:37
Once upon a time there was a beautiful girl named Nevaeh who lived in a cottage with her evil stepmother and two ugly stepsisters, Bufordette and Droolia. Nevaeh was basically made to live like a slave; every morning before breakfast she had to laminate the dog, and more often than not her breakfast was lukewarm soda crackers.
One day, the Prince declared that there would be a grand ball at the royal palace, where he would choose his future queen. Nevaeh begged her evil stepmother to let her go to the ball, but the stepmother refused, and left Nevaeh to sit alone in the ashes of the fireplace. I mean, I guess she could have sat wherever she wanted after everyone had gone to the ball, but old habits die hard.

Fortunately, Nevaeh's Fairy Godmother intervened. She gave Nevaeh a beautiful dress to wear, turned a honeydew into a coach and some elephants into horses, and gave her a stunning glass hat to wear.

Nevaeh went to the ball, spent the whole night doing the Rumba with the Prince, but the magic began to run out when the clock struck midnight. She ran from the palace, dropping her glass hat in her haste.

The next day, the Prince searched the whole kingdom to find the girl who fit the glass hat. Nevaeh's stepmother tried to hide Nevaeh when the Prince came, but a little bird told him where she was hiding, and the glass hat fit perfectly.

The Prince married Nevaeh and they lived happily ever after. But Nevaeh's stepsisters were smacked around, then forced to be her servants for the rest of their lives.

Oh, and the evil stepmother was swallowed whole by a ferocious giraffe.

THE END

StringTheoryPracticist
09-12-2014, 17:39
Once upon a time, in a cottage in the middle of a deep, dark forest, there lived seven dwarves: Lumpy, Bombur, Gimli, Huey, Zeppo, Floppy, and Doc. They were hard-working folk who kept to themselves and tried to stay out of other people's drama.
But one day a young girl came to their door: a girl with lips red as cherries, hair black as ebony, and eyes blue as the sky. Her name was Ice Green.

"Oh, dear dwarves, you must hide me!" the girl said. "My stepmother, the wicked Queen Diarrhea, wants to cut out my heart because she is jealous of how pretty I am!"

"That really sucks," agreed Doc, and the dwarves worked out an "arrangement" with Ice Green.

What? I meant that she did chores for them in exchange for room and board. This is a kids' story, for crying out loud.

And so the dwarves and Ice Green were happy with their arrangement until one day an old crone knocked on their door. She offered to sell Ice Green a single delicious pineapple at a very reasonable price. Ice Green haggled the crone down further, and then took the pineapple and bit into it with gusto.

But alas! The old crone was really the wicked Queen Diarrhea in disguise! And the pineapple was an enchanted pineapple, which caused her to fall deep into a slumber from which she would not awaken.

Heartbroken, the dwarves built a glass coffin and placed her inside, because people do strange things when they're grieving. They didn't even mind that Ice Green's breath fogged up the glass. And there did she lie for the better part of a week...

But then the handsome Prince rode through the forest, and he saw the dwarves' cottage and stopped there to visit. He was a prince from another nearby kingdom, though. Otherwise he'd be Ice Green's half-brother, and that's weird.

Spying the maiden in her coffin, his heart stirred with longing, and he opened the coffin and kissed her cherry-red lips. At once, she awoke, for it was true love's kiss, and even though she was technically unconscious when it happened, it was good enough.

And so the dwarves were flogged for putting Ice Green in a coffin instead of seeking medical attention for her, and the Prince and Ice Green lived happily ever after.

But the wicked Diarrhea was disemboweled, and she totally deserved it.

THE END

StringTheoryPracticist
09-12-2014, 17:43
Once upon a time, in a cottage in the middle of a deep, dark forest, there lived seven dwarves: Grabby, Gloin, Mopey, Floppy, Crappy, Gloin, and Doc. They were hard-working folk who kept to themselves and tried to stay out of other people's drama.
But one day a young girl came to their door: a girl with lips red as cherries, hair black as ebony, and eyes blue as the sky. Her name was Fog Orange.

"Oh, dear dwarves, you must hide me!" the girl said. "My stepmother, the wicked Queen Horseapple, wants to cut out my heart because she is jealous of how pretty I am!"

"That really sucks," agreed Doc, and the dwarves worked out an "arrangement" with Fog Orange.

What? I meant that she did chores for them in exchange for room and board. This is a kids' story, for crying out loud.

And so the dwarves and Fog Orange were happy with their arrangement until one day an old crone knocked on their door. She offered to sell Fog Orange a single delicious dragonfruit at a very reasonable price. Fog Orange haggled the crone down further, and then took the dragonfruit and bit into it with gusto.

But alas! The old crone was really the wicked Queen Horseapple in disguise! And the dragonfruit was an enchanted dragonfruit, which caused her to fall deep into a slumber from which she would not awaken.

Heartbroken, the dwarves built a glass coffin and placed her inside, because people do strange things when they're grieving. They didn't even mind that Fog Orange's breath fogged up the glass. And there did she lie for the better part of a week...

But then the handsome Prince rode through the forest, and he saw the dwarves' cottage and stopped there to visit. He was a prince from another nearby kingdom, though. Otherwise he'd be Fog Orange's half-brother, and that's weird.

Spying the maiden in her coffin, his heart stirred with longing, and he opened the coffin and kissed her cherry-red lips. At once, she awoke, for it was true love's kiss, and even though she was technically unconscious when it happened, it was good enough.

And so the dwarves were whipped for putting Fog Orange in a coffin instead of seeking medical attention for her, and the Prince and Fog Orange lived happily ever after.

But the wicked Horseapple was sent to sleep with the fishes, and she totally deserved it.

THE END

Fisherman
09-12-2014, 17:47
до какво води пълната липса на женско внимание