My girlfriend is into some really strange roleplay when we have sex. She always insists on pretending to be 14 years old.
I don't get why, she'll be 14 in a couple of years anyway.

Best contraceptive: age.

My girlfriend keeps calling me a pedophile. All I can think is "Damn, that's a pretty big word for a nine year old!"

How do they know Princess Diana had Dandruff?
They found her head and shoulders on the dash board.

What do you get when you cross The Queen and Prince Charles?
Murdered in a tunnel.

What was the last thing to go through Princess Diana's head?
The stereo.

What do Princess Diana and Pink Floyd have in common?
The wall was both their last big hit.

Woman delivers baby. Doctor takes the baby, and throws it, smashing around the hospital room, drop-kicking it, etc. Mother starts freaking out, being held back by nurses, begging "WHYYYY!!??". Doctor holds baby upside down by the ankle and says "I'm just fucking with you, it was born dead".

A man goes to the pharmacy and says I need condoms for my 12 year old daughter. The pharmacist says your daughter is sexually active? The dad says no she just lays there like her mother.

What did the North Tower say to the South Tower?
I'll talk to you later. I have to catch a plane.
9 out of 11 Americans will get this joke.

A woman visits the doctor as she has some abdominal pains and suspects she may be pregnant.
After her examination, the doctor comes out to see her: "Well, I hope you like changing nappies/diapers".
She replies: "Oh my god am I pregnant, am I pregnant!?"
To which he responds: "No, you've got bowel cancer."

A man is sitting in a hospital room when the doctor walks in. "I have some bad news" says the doctor. "You have Cancer and Alzheimer's." the man laughs and says "Well at least I don't have Cancer!"

A man went into a library and asked for a book on how to commit suicide. The librarian said: "Fuck off, you won't bring it back."

Q: Do you know how to kill 50 flies at once?
A: Hit an african in the face with a shovel.

Q: What do you do after you rape a deaf mute?
A: Break her fingers so she can't tell anybody.

Two men are talking in a bar, and the topic of their family comes up.
The first man says his grandfather was sent to Dachau in 1941 and still had his serial number tattooed on his arm.
To which the other man replied, that his grandfather used to tell him stories about how horrible the conditions at Auschwitz were. He still had nightmares about how cold it was on the night shift in the guard tower.

A friend told me 2/3 people live next to a pedophile. "Not me," I replied, "I live next to 2 smokin' hot ten-year olds.