What do you call a fourth grader with no friends? A sandy hook survivor.

What do Nelson Mandela and Paul Walker have in common?
They both died at 95.

I was watching a film with my little boy earlier. He said, 'Dad I'm scared, is that woman going to die?'. I said 'Judging on the size of that horses cock, yes'.

My ex girlfriend rang me up to say that she was HIV positive.
The trick is to always act surprised.

How many dead babies does it take to change a lightbulb? Well certainly not 8 cause my basement is still dark.

What does a silver medalist and a priest have in common?
They both came in a little behind.

Why did the black guy walk into a bar?
Because the cell door was locked.

How do you get a Jewish girls number?
Roll up her sleeve.

What's the difference between a boy scout and a Jew?
The boy scout came back from camp.

My uncle died on 9/11. He was on the flight that crashed into the buildings. To me he was an uncle, but to the world, he was a brilliant terrorist.

A husband and wife are getting ready for work. The husband gets out of the shower, still naked walks through the house. His daughter sees him and asks, "Daddy, when will I get one of those between my legs?" He says, "As soon as your mother leaves for work."